BREAKING: Chelsea Clinton Back in Jail on Domestic Abuse Charges

Chelsea Clinton was picked up this evening by the Chappaqua, New York Police Department after her husband, Julian Soros McNeil, called 911 for a “small stab wound.” When police arrived, they described Chelsea as “unreasonable and unstable.” She lunged at officers, holding a blood-soaked ice pick she had already used to stab her husband.

The “small stab wound” turned out to be a punctured lung. McNeil will survive the attack, but if not for the quick thinking of a paramedic who makes less than a San Fran burger-flipper giving him an emergency Tracheotomy, he’d be a vegetable — if not dead.

Clinton was immediately arrested and is being held without bail in the Chappaqua County Jail in Westchester. She’ll have to go before a judge for a bail hearing, so her mother may have a hard time keeping this one under wraps. 4th Circuit judge Art Tubolls has said that he doesn’t care who she is, she faces the same laws as everyone else:

“Ms. Clinton has already petitioned the court to have her hearing sealed and moved to a federal jurisdiction that will protect her identity and reputation. She should have thought of th before she swallowed a bunch of bloogies and beat her husband up in front of their kids. Stabbing him was a step too far in my book.”

A lot of people disagree with Clinton being able to stab her husband and get away with it. They’d like to see her pay for her crimes. However, her standing as a US Representative and former Ambassador to Cuba will probably keep her from facing justice for her heinous crimes.

About Flagg Eagleton 103 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.