BREAKING: Chelsea Clinton’s Husband Reported Missing After Reporting Her for Domestic Abuse

Chelsea Clinton’s arrest earlier today for domestic abuse has already been scrubbed from the record. As far as the world is concerned, it never actually happened. Unfortunately, her husband doesn’t seem to have her luck. Shortly after returning home, Clinton called her mother to report that her Husband, Jerome Soros Mackney, the nephew of George Soros and international shipping magnate, is missing.

It seems that Chelsea thought it would be a good idea to call her murderous parents rather than the police, who then contacted 11 attorneys and a PR firm before anyone finally contacted the authorities. By the time the FBI was called, her husband had been gone for more than six hours, and Chelsea herself had already left the country for Monaco, where she can’t be extradited, to “reflect and pray” on what led to her marriage going bad in the first place. She’ has released a full statement asking for information about her husband’s disappearance:

“We are willing to pay whatever we have to for information that leads to the safe return of my precious Clayton. Mark is the most important thing in my life If it weren’t for him, Levy and I would have never had that night in Vegas and my children would be hideous. Please return my husband. His uncle will pay for his crimes…if that’s what it takes.”

Chelsea Clinton will probably never be held accountable for this crime, just like her mother will never be held accountable for Benghazi. Local and federal authorities are conducting a full investigation, but chances are Chelsea Clinton’s husband is in a hole so deep only Satan himself has seen the bottom.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.