BREAKING: Democrat ‘Superstar’ Commits Suicide, Liberal Media Goes Dark

Liberal Sweetheart Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was reportedly found dead in her office just hours ago by aides who decided to keep the incident quiet while leadership tries to figure out how to handle it. As of 11 minutes ago, the police had still not been called and the one woman willing to talk to us about it, Cortez campaign manager Sandy Batt, is being detained by Capitol police on an “unrelated matter.” Or so they say.

According to our reporter at the National mall, Skip Tetheludah, Congress isn’t even supposed to be open. The building itself is supposed to be shuttered and locked for the shutdown, which is making getting the truth out even more difficult. The Democrat party is denying there’s anything going on, saying that as far as they know, Cortez is with her family in Guam.

A White House spokesman says they’re having a hard time getting answers, but they can confirm that there are now paramedics — but not police — actively responding to a grave situation at 1 Capitol Way. Propaganda Minister Art Tubolls told Fox News:

“We were told before the blackout ensued that the young woman couldn’t handle the undying pressure in Washington and took her own life after Nancy Pelosi told her she should just buckle and take $4 million from Monsanto to grow super-sized french fires in Puerto Rico. It makes no sense why she wouldn’t want to represent the people who put her there.”

Cortez beat Lucas Ferrigno for the title of US Representative (D-Puerto Rico) by pretending she was poor when in reality, her family is very wealthy. Her death is tragic, but not as tragic as Bre Payton, who died of the flu after standing her ground against vaccinations. Sometimes God calls people home in a strange order.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.