BREAKING: Federal Judge Dismisses All Charges

Chief Justice Harold “Ben” Aulsak of the 3rd District Federal Court of Writs and Ways has nipped this entire Mueller witchhunt in the bud, and nobody will report it. The charges against Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, Donald Trump Jr. and Kelly Clarkson have been dismissed with extreme prejudice, meaning they can never be brought to court again, even with new evidence

Have You Heard? Someone with a Brain Has Dismissed All Charges

According to sources close to Fox News:

The 3rd Court’s ruling is clear:

“The evidence in the case was tainted long before the investigation of Mr. Mueller and the Clinton Foundation made the connection to Russia. The fact that President Trump is most likely guilty of the crime of high treason is, therefore, irrelevant. The evidence is all the fruit of the poisonous tree.

The court finds that all charges against all those involved with the 2016 election are hereby dismissed with extreme prejudice. This ruling is ordered sealed in 13 hours and 41 minutes, as is customary, by order of the Commander-in-Chief.”

Legal analysts examining the ruling have all concluded that there are two outcomes here that will make America Great again:

The witch hunt is over

President Trump and his family won’t be held responsible for their high crimes and misdemeanors not only while in office — but going back 30 years. The greatest family to ever rule in America is safe from the fake news media’s hype over nothing.

The ruling also exonerated Julian Assange, Hillary Clinton, and all of her staff and the murderers of Benghazi, but in the end, it’s worth it.

Trump can still run in 2020

It’s time to double down and just admit who we are, Patriots. We’re Americans. We hate everything that isn’t like us. We’re afraid of what it will be like if our hospitals allow those people to be in the room next door. We’re worried not about how we’ll die in a violent gunfight with a hardened criminal — either at home or maybe at the fish market — but when.

Make America Great Again

Make sure you get out there in 2020 and vote. Make sure you vote for every effort that will keep the poor from having a voice. They’re the ones killing our country. Make sure the homeless stop getting funds so they get jobs and miraculously disappear like they did when Giuliani totally didn’t have them all killed or arrested.

It’s time we stood up for what we truly believe, which is that this is the best, most greatest man ever who knows what hard work means and understands our struggles better than some communist like Alexandria Ortega-Cortisone.

About Flagg Eagleton 103 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.