BREAKING: Most Wounded Vet of All Time Gives Everything After GoFundMe Shuts Down Wall Fund

Brian Kolfage has been delivered some good news and some bad news. The good news is, he’s raised $10 million, nearly one-fifth of one percent of the cost of the project, from patriotic Americans. The bad news is, there’s no way for him to actually donate the money to anything.

The law, unfortunately, states that the US Treasury can’t take donations from citizens for projects like the wall without Congressional approval, which will be nearly impossible with the holidays upon us and the 115th Congress set to expire. With the help of the Trump Administration, however, Bri-Bri Kolfage will be able to forever be remembered for his efforts.

According to White House Director of Information and Propaganda, Art Tubolls, Kolfage will be forever remembered as not only a part of a great project but as part of the wall itself:

“Bri-Bri has volunteered to be the cornerstone for the new wall project. His gift of himself will forever shine a light on the meaning behind Bri-Bri’s entire mission: Keep America vigilantly opposed to outsiders. Brian is already a shining example, raising all that money to build a symbol of exclusion rather than using it to do something like…solve the homeless vet problem or maybe set up a support system for those who slip through th VA cracks. Bri Bri wasn’t going to let the mainstream media and all of their empathy and compassion get in the way. Either that wall gets built or the money goes back to the donors, who can then use it buy more guns or ammo to keep themselves safe in a wall-less America.”

Kolfage was taken immediately to New Mexico where he was cast into the bottom right corner of the wall, just before where California law forbids it. The Kolfage pavilion is open 22 hours a day and feeding is always welcome. All proceeds from nourishing Bri-Bri go to wall maintenance and/or the eradication of brown folks:

Thanks, Brian. Semper Fi.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.