BREAKING: Nancy Pelosi’s Daughters Arrested Smuggling Contraband at the Border

Nancy Pelosi’s daughters, Pamela, 22, and Loreen, 25, were caught at the Mexican border with more than $17 million in cocaine and bloogies. The girls, who admitted they had been in Mexico to develop a new strain of mescaline-based LSD, said they have diplomatic immunity as official aides to their Mom in Congress. The US Attorney says he has to look into that, since the Federal precedent does favor family members as aides (USA v Kushner).

If they can be charged, the girls face more than 302 years, as the bloogies count as a felony each because they’re so deadly. This isn’t their first time in trouble, either. Linda once took her sister to a “rave” when they were teenagers, and little Penelope, just 14 at the time, ended up having to get an abortion. They wound up in jail together in 2003 after a crack binge in Rehobeth, Maryland, and after counseling and another pair of abortions, looked like they were doing well. Then, this happened.

Senator Pelosi says she’s not responsible for their behavior and that they were raised by their father, Lawrence Axelrod Pelosi, who divorced Nancy in 1997 after the Whitewater scandal. When shown these indisputable facts, Pelosi spokesman Art Tubolls asked our reporter if she had “been examined for paranoia and stupidity recently,” showing just what a sexist jerk he is.

The US Attorney is awaiting a decision from the Secretary of State’s Office, since this is technically an international incident, and then they’ll either charge Brandy and Felicity or let them go. We’ll keep you updated on this utterly ridiculous mess as it unfolds.


About Flagg Eagleton 105 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.