BREAKING: Nike Folds to Liberals, Removes Muslamic Symbols From Sneakers

Nike has once again taken the road to Stupidtown, buckling to liberals in a dumbass decision that will cost the company $29 billion. Because of an emblem on the bottom of one of their shoes that “nearly resembles the Muslamic word for Allahu Akbar” that Islamites find “offensive.” Apparently, the emblem, shown in the picture above, says the word which can’t be seen or spoken. So…it’s like feeding the Moon God’s gremlins after midnight or something.

Nike, feeling the pressure of what 2000 signatures and a Huffpo story built mostly on hyperbole and a slow news cycle can accomplish, dumped the design and issued a worldwide recall on 182 million pairs of shoes. Luckily, conservative Americans won’t be affected, as we all burned our Nike’s and switched to Skechers when Jordan took his anti-gravity juice and left.

Nike fears it may not be able to survive this time around, but says it would rather fold than see people treated unfairly. According to Company spokesman Bart Slutlo:

“We can’t, in good conscience, continue to sell something offensive to any religion. The Nike swoosh itself may be a millennia-old pagan symbol and all, but it’s not the same. These are our Muslamic brethren. They love us more than even God does. That’s how peaceful we see them. Because a few blow things up isn’t defining them all here at Nike. Period.”

Nike has, therefore, decided to place the Muslamics of America above the Americans of America. They’ve also been known to support Mexico, Guam, and Puerto Rico. None of those places are America. Mind your own business.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.