BREAKING: Rudy Giuliani Arrested for Refusing to Turn on Trump

Rudy Giuliani was dragged from his Washington DC condo just moments ago by special investigatory agents of the extended Justice Department’s investigation, courtesy of Robert Mueller. Mueller went to Giuliani’s home with armed agents to blackmail him into testifying against President Trump. When he wouldn’t, Mueller had him thrown in the Lyndon Johnson Maximum Security Facility for Hate Criminals and Sexual Deviants.

According to Mueller’s personal spokesman, Art Tubolls, the move had nothing to do with punishing Giuliani and everything to do with the rule of law:

“We were told to follow the law to the letter, and since Giuliani broke the law by not telling us what he knows, he went to the closest federal facility for processing and holding until he can appear before the grand Jury.”

President Trump hasn’t made a statement, but his past tweets and statements indicate that unlike others who have made deals, like Michael Cohen, friends who keep their traps shut and don’t flip will have it much easier come pardon time. Trump demands loyalty, and Giuliani delivered.

Giuliani will first stand in front of 43rd Federal Circuit Justice T Buford, where he will reportedly again take the 5th Amendment and “refuse to answer questions related to his executively privileged conversationals with the Potus Uno Operendi or his staff.” According to Tubolls, that language will not work with Justice Buford, since he’s pretty sure Giuliani just made it all up.

The original subpoena was to ask Giuliani about an unrelated matter related to the Bush administration, but when he saw Federal Agents at his house, he screamed “I know everything and I’ll never flip! Trump will take this country to new heights!” According to Tubolls, “Bob was gonna sit down and talk about hitting up Dick Cheney once he was done with this whole trump-Russia thing. Rudy kinda freaked out and did this to himself.”

The White House is expected to fire Giuliani for getting caught within the hour.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.