The Secret Service has revealed the real reason Donald Trump was unable to visit a cemetery in France Sunday. According to lead agent Art Tubolls, staying away was the only safe option:
“We recieved actionable intelligence that President Trump was going to be in danger if he attended. There were bomb threats, reports of snipers everywhere from the Louvre to the Eifffel tower. Add to that the complications from rain and you have a situation that’s going to end in disaster.”
The French Police released a statement that the assassination attempt would have been for Macron, the French President, but it was easily refuted:
“Well, he went to the event and didn’t get kilkled, so obviously he wasn’t the target. Virtually every world leader but Trump was there. He was the only one anyone wanted to harm.”
According to French polling, President Trump is the only person in France the people would reverse the death penalty for. Some have considered dusting off the guillotine used to take the head of Mussolini, which is in storage at the Vatican.
For Trump’s part, his aides say he was happy to stay and order room service. A well-done Delmonico and fries on a dreary French Sunday are all he needs to enrage the liberals.