BREAKING: Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Christmas

The Supreme Court ruled 5-4 just moments ago to restore all the rights of Christmas to the American people. In a decision down party lines, the 4 liberal losers sucking up their free paychecks to vote for free stuff for other liberals were stunned that their Republican counterparts would rule so unconfidentially.

According to Clerk-Magistrate of the National Trust, Art Tubolls, Christmas has been missing from levels as high in government as his own beloved Supreme Court:

“I am entrusted with the court’s public image, and for nearly twenty years I have passed our beloved tree in the closet and shed a tear for Christmas. This year, it was in my power to do more.”

Tubolls knew exactly what he had to do. He put together his past vacation and sick days and took off on a worldwide tour to spread the news and joy that if they wanted it hard enough, and prayed just the right number of times, that God would allow Jesus to reign again over the hallowed halls of Lady Libertarian and her scales.

In his opinion, Justice Brett Kavanaugh wrote:

“We will forever save Christmas from the forces of evil; the Democrats and Hillary Clinton. When we go home to our families we want to know that we can head downtown to the Christmas fair, not the Holiday fair, pick out a nice tree and sing Bing Crosby songs to our heart’s delight. Every year we meet JT and Squi and Skinny Pete. And they bring their families the way our dads would bring us. In limos and dressed right to respect the lord and his birthday at the City Hall Plaza.”

Based on that, Christmas is back on across America. We urge you to carry battery operated lights and to stop at every Starbucks you see, open the door and yell: MERRY CHRISTMAS! It is our duty as Americans.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.