BREAKING: Tom Brady Guarantees Super Bowl Win To ‘Honor A True American Hero’

Tom Brady has broken ranks with the bleeding heart liberals of Massachusetts and gone back to his roots. In a statement that reportedly caused massive strife in his marriage, Brady said that he plans to win the Super Bowl “In Honor of a Great American, Donald Trump.” The statement, received and spun to an easier truth by Mitch McConnell’s PR firm, says:

“I am an American, and it pains me to have to finally put that first, even before Gisele and little Tommy Jr. She says she might have to take him back to Denmark. I’m so sorry, honey. I didn’t mean for you to have to go all the way to Hollandaise in the winter.

The Dutch are amazing people. I’m still winning the Super Bowl for Trump, though. He’s the one most like the Dutch to me.”

Brady said he had to admit that the statement didn’t seem to make a lot of sense when touched, but the firm was giving away free Laffy Taffy in front of Boston area middle schools and promoting him as a role model, so that’s great. “I love the Puerto Rican people,” Brady’s publicist is said to have approved of him saying.

Vegas is up in arms about the statement because Tom Brady has literally never come out and guaranteed a win. With his record of cheating with one out of 12 deflated footballs in a deep-freeze game once followed by a Super Bowl win and a Patriots scout once caught…scouting illegally, surely all of the 738 records Brady holds are a farce.

Still, there’s a 94 percent chance of Brady getting his 6th ring, coupled with a slim 7 percent chance he’ll have it sized for his penis. Either way, Brady says the winning football will be autographed by him and Coach Bill, and sent immediately to the National Archives where all gifts to presidents that aren’t cash to their children go for storage and documentation.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.