BREAKING: Trump Issues Special Order, Approves Vet’s GofundMe To Build Border Wall

Sr. Airman Bri-Bri Kolfag, the most senior airman ever to air seniors, has already raised 2 million dollars for the border wall with his brilliant and selfless campaign. The problem so far has been that the Treasury Department is forbidden from taking donations for building projects. That issue was just solved, however, when President Trump signed what will be known as the “Bri-Bri Kolfag Order.”

White House Director of Information and Propaganda, Art Tubolls, says the change is nothing new:

“While the policy and proposed law are technically new, they are things we will say happened under Obama, which is maybe true and maybe not; it doesn’t matter. What matters is that president Trump has promised the American people that the taxpayer wouldn’t foot the bill and the taxpayer won’t.”

The wall, which would cost a proposed $5 billion and take more than 20 years to build, would cost nearly a billion dollars, according to Trump, and might take as long as 2 years to build:

“We can do this wall deal the easy way or the hard way. Bri-Bri has given us all the incentive we need. If his donations continue, we’ll have the money we need in a few days.”

The Budget Accounting Office was quick to point out that at a million dollars a day, it would take nearly 600 years to fully fund the wall project, but that number could easily be cut in half if the campaign catches on. At any rate, now that the money is legal, they can start distributing it. We reached out to Bri-Bri to see where the project stood. He brought us up to speed:

“Now that the POTUS is in the boards we can perceed with the logistaculors. First, we have to pay all the committee members and the charity CEO, that’s me, then we have to cover expenses, and let’s see…health insurance, carry the one…we can have no less than 134 feet of wall built. That’s a great start.”

Professional builders who have actually built things and understand construction disagree, saying that Kolfag hasn’t quite yet raised enough to pay the landowners losing their shit to eminent domain, never mind a couple hundred feet of wall. Nonetheless, it is a good start. Nearly 4 percent of the money raised will go where it’s intended. By Clinton Foundation standards, that’s 3 percent too high.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.