BREAKING: GoFundMe Steals $2.3 Million From Wall Fund Organizer

Senior Mailman Brian Kolfage has now raised more than $15 million towards the boarder wall, which is nearly enough to buy 1/10th of 1 percent of the equipment needed to get started. It is a monumental achievement in crowdfunding Nationalism we should all be proud of. Rather than raising money for causes like veterans, homelessness, or education, we have shown that, as a people, we value our safety and National Pride more than anything else.

Bri-Bri, as his smoking hot wife, Maylo Erder Kolfage, likes to call him, was in the process of withdrawing funds from the campaign to get the ball rolling, but GoFundMe shut him down, telling him he can’t have access to the money he raised. According to the company, the campaign was approved with a note that said legal representation would make sure the money got to Congress, which hasn’t happened.

According to the Kolfage camp, however, they need to use a small amount of funds for administrative costs. According to Bri-Bri’s lifelong friend and the guy who dragged him to safety in Benghazi, Art Tubolls:

“Now that Congress has to be involved it’s a whole new ballgame. Brian will need a place to live in DC, a lobbying firm, complete with an office and staff, transportation, etc. He can’t expect his family to be without him, so the home will need to be up to the standards of the free smart house Gary Sinise gave him. We figured we’d start with $2.3 million just for walking around money and go from there. It isn’t like the American people won’t replace it. At this point, they’d give us their cars to stack up at the boarder they’re so scared.”

This is a travesty. Bri-Bri has worked feverishly for years, amassing a ton of wealth and recognition for getting himself blown up, and now GoFundMe wants to stop him? He’s got no legs. He went to Yemen and came back half a man. Minus a hand. He’s almost as wounded as that Red guy who lost all 4 limbs. If he wants money, just give it to him. His service and pretty wife completely exclude him from accountability for being a douchebag.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.