Dearborn City Council Approves Parade Santa, Calls it ‘Christmas for Everyone’

The Muslamic Fallahs who run the City of Dearborn released their approval list for this year’s Christmas Parade. The City’s parade, which has been canceled since 2012, will make its first appearance this year in nearly six years, according to the town Department of Redundant Information. What they approved, however, is a far cry from what the town’s 120-year parade tradition once was.

The Fallahs released this statement explaining the figurative literals in the photo of the approved peripherals:

“Santa Clause is not some fat man who brings free things to good children. He is the Patron Saint of Refugees and one of the only allowable Christian figures in the Muslamic faith. It is well-known that he spoke Allahu fluently and delivered much-needed supplies to those fleeing the persecution of infidels. Had it not been for his Father’s strong Roman roots, his mother would have hyphenated and he would have been Santa Claus-Gruber al Halal.

The true version of Santa will dance in the streets as the Moon God festival commences on the 23rd, as Mohammed al Fallah himself intended, and then we will allow the infidel holiday to proceed on the 25th, with little interference.”

What they mean by “little interference” is that you can celebrate, but you can’t put up lights or play music loud enough to be seen or heard outside of your personal property. You have to turn down your radio, for example, if you’re listening to Jingle Bells and get pulled over, otherwise you can be charged with a 4th-degree misdemeanor. If you don’t look just right — if you get the idea — you can probably expect to spend a night eating non-pork related foods and facing North to worship Albania.

It’s sad but true. Dearborn has become the model of Muslamic law in America. They don’t practice like typical Islamatites, either. They pretend to like us, but they just don’t. The good news is, if you just avoid going there dressed the wrong way, you won’t have to worry about it.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.