Kid Rock, Ted Nugent Raise More Than $10 Million to Fight the War on Christmas

Kid Rock and Ted Nugent have just finished off their charity tour to raise money to fight the War on Christmas. Nugent and Rock, whose real name is Louie, say the money they raise will go first and foremost to the community in and around their hometown of Detroit. Fellow Lions fan and expert on Motown, Art Tubolls, told Rolling Stone:

“These two are battling the forces of evil in Michigan. People here openly worship Moon Gods and practice Shania Law. The money they raise will go to festive coffee cups for local shops who can’t afford to say ‘Merry Christmas’ or the liberals who buy that crap will put them out of business. They allocated more than $2 million for garland alone for Dearborn. They also have no turkeys or beef available for dinner on the West side of Kalamazoo. Now, with the help of these true Christians, places where Christmas was nearly forgotten are suiting up their mall Santas and putting the Salvation Army Bellringers back to work.”

The duo has been saving Christmas for more than a decade. They raise ridiculous amounts of money, buy decorations for “refugee” heavy areas in need of a hand keeping Christmas the number one holiday, then they use the rest to give disabled kids trips to the canned hunting ranches they co-own in Kansas and Montana. States where it’s okay to sell a ticket to someone to kill an animal lower on the food chain for sport, or food, or…hell..just to kill something. This is America, after all. Here, we do what we want.

About Flagg Eagleton 103 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.