Bloomberg Corporation Buys Voting Machine Manufacturer

TIME TO STAND UP PEOPLE!

It’s a popular opinon lately that Democratic Presidential candidate Mike Bloomberg has been engaged in a serious plan to use his fortune to buy the Presidency.  Well, his latest move seems to cement that theory.  After this afternoon, Bloomberg’s multinational corporation gobbled up Hanging/Chadsworth Mechanics, the largest manufacturer of voting machine equipment and services for the 2020 election season.

Stocks have already taken a hit for the second-largest voting machine manufacturer, Hasbro.

The purchase is causing alarm among Washington insiders and political pundits.  Just minutes after the announcement went public, Fox News host Sean Hannity was rushed to the local hospital’s Severe Diarrhea Wing in serious condition.  Fearing that the acquisition could give Bloomberg undue means to manipuate the machines towards his own ends, Senator Lindsey Graham gave a scorching speech on the floor of the house:

“This blatant attempt at tomfoolery has mah britches pulled up halfway into mah silky colon.  In all mah years of helping the Republican pahty disenfranchise voters and fix elections, this is the lowest thing ah have evah seen.  This is lower than Mike Pence in the shower stall at a firehouse.  Ah certainly hope that President Trump will have Mr. Barr look into this dastardly deed before them chickens come home to roost.  We have to nip those chickens in their buds.  Nip nip!”

Graham is the only sitting U.S. Senator to have attended the Congressional Christmas party in the nude.

Bloomberg has not made a formal statement about the sale, save for a new political commercial airing on stations across the country, featuring two full minutes of his face staring out of the screen and giggling.  The billionaire has, however, filed for a name-change for his newly-bought facilities, settling on the business name : “Blue No Matter What You Press, Inc.”  It certainly seems like this is an incredible move that may stand to help the Democrats decisively defeat the incumbent President come November.

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