BREAKING: Trump Strips Obama of Secret Service Protection For Remainder of Shutdown

The federal government remains shut down today as the Democrats once again refused to budge on the issue of border security. In response, the Trump administration ordered sweeping cuts to security programs for “non-essential” services, such as Secret Service protection for former presidents, senators, Justices, and CEOs. Trump decided to cut protection for presidents and former senators, leaving the Bushes and Obamas to fend for themselves, along with John Boehner and the family of dead John McCain.

The Obamas, who live smack dab in the middle of Washington DC, are now cowering in an interior room of their mansion with no windows waiting for the shutdown to be over. According to the spokesman for his private company, Nos Ordo Seclorum Inc, Obama deserves to be treated better:

“Taking away security to one of the most hated men in the world is just cruel. These people must now live in a panic room. It’s 30 x 60 with better amenities than the Four Seasons, but still. They can’t leave their house and they had to hire New Black Panthers to keep them safe.”

President Trump’s order to keep the Secret Service operating at its lowest since 1927 is unprecedented. He’s basically saying that he’s willing to risk the safety and well-being of his fellow Americans if his demands and the demands of the people aren’t met. The Secret Service is now operating at 11 percent capacity, with all 11 percent assigned to Executive Mansion duty.

Democrats say that President Trump is being selfish, with his division working at nearly 150 percent of normal capacity, but according to the supervising agent, it’s totally necessary:

This is all we have. We’re not watching DC at all. We’re on the roof with big scopes and all over the White House lawn. Other than that we’re basically shut down.”

The Secret Service, as always, remains dedicated to serving the current President.

About Flagg Eagleton 82 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.