UPDATE: Henry Winkler Found Alive and Well and a Bit Confused

Reports of Henry Winkler’s death were everywhere this week, which makes today’s news all that much better. The actor we affectionately know as “The Fonz” was found today, alive and well and roaming a small neighborhood in Yonkers.

According to the family physician, Winkler suffers from Batt’s disease, which is like Alzheimer’s but makes the afflicted a bit sharp-tongued and angry. According to local butcher and School Board President, Art Tubolls:

“Poor Mr. Winkler was walking door to door and asking people who they voted for. If they answered “Trump,” he laughed at them, called them ‘stupid f*cking taters’ and broke something in their yard before moving on.

Finally he boarded a school bus, took the role of the Principal in Scream and started hugging the children, thanking God they were safe.

I mean, had it been anyone but Henry Winkler, it would have been weird, but…who doesn’t want to hug the guy?”

Winkler is back home with his loving friends and family, none of whom are ignorant turds living on canned hunt farms, with the exception of Chachi, who Winkler has called “my son.”

The man is a Saint. Regardless of his politics or the fact that he thinks our President is a pompous, arrogant douchebag, he’s still a beloved member of Team America. Thank you for your service, Henry.

About Flagg Eagleton 104 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.