D.N.A. Test ID’s ‘Unknown Soldier’ – AOC Wants Family Charged for Burial

Deep in the sacred tombs of Arlington cemetary, the honored final resting place for those who bravely protected the United States and paid the ultimate price for doing so, there lies the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, a nameless hero who, for years, served to represent the many of his kind, the unidentified and lost.  Well, just this week, the crux of that mystery was broken, as military scientists finally got results from the newest and most advanced DNA testing labs in the country to determine with 99.85% accuracy, the nebulous warrior’s identity.

With his remains located just south of Il Testicolis, Italy, the soldier has been Identified as Lt. Franklin “Frankie” Geraldo, an Army officer assigned to F-Battalion in April of 1943.  It has been estimated that he was twenty-eight years of age, unmarried, suffering from a mild dose of syphilis, and most likely bowlegged.  Cause of death was probably a German “potato masher” grenade, but that information in particuar was siimply a guess by a lab tech who had been playing Medal of Honor on his Playstation.

The true grit of this story is what happened afterwards.  Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, upon hearing of the reports, immediately found the records of funds paid out to keep and maintain the tomb over decades, and promptly contacted the surprised and grieving family of the war hero with a request to remit nearly seventeen million dollars of back burial and maintenance fees within one year, or risk having the body moved to a common pauper’s burial ground. Army General Joe Barron finds the shakedown reprehensible:

“This man was a true American hero.  His family shouldn’t have to suffer life-long debt at the say so of an overpaid bartender.  I will personally take care of this matter by asking President Trump to handle the cost himelf from the personal bank account he keeps from ripping off cancer children with a phony charity.  That way, justice will prevail.  Ooo rah.”

The Geraldo family was not available for comment.