Michigan Mosques Allowed to Open — Churches to Remain Closed

Christians everywhere are shocked and outraged by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s order allowing mosques to reopen, calling the move a blatant attack on Christain values. Is this the beginning of Sharia Law?

A spokesperson for Governor Whitmer said the choice was a simple one based on science and logic. Sandy Batt, went on to highlight the considerations Governor Whitmer took in making her decision.

“Muslims have a long tradition of following cleanliness protocol to prevent disease spread as part of their religious beliefs, which are in line with much of the CDC’s current guidelines for this virus pandemic. They are brought up from birth to be hygienic.

They already have hand washing rituals. Face coverings are a standard, mandatory practice. There is no need to remind them 100 times a day and they are not going to whine about so-called freedoms over some very basic hygiene recommendations.

They do not shake hands. They won’t absurdly complain about prayer rugs being at least 6 feet apart or services outdoors. They get it already.”

Ms. Batt went on to say that the problem with opening churches is that many of them make their money by “laying hands” on parishioners. They drink from a shared cup with hundreds or slop in “holy water” bowls, which studies show have a higher germ count than toilets.

“It seems they believe they have a god-given right to catch and spread illness. That prayer makes them immune. They view being told not to, as some sort of persecution. They’re really big on deeming everything persecution because they think it makes them ‘Christ-like.’ You know, instead of doing the hard work and actually following Christ’s teachings. That behavior is not loving thy neighbor. It’s not Be Best.”

The National Association of Blessed Water, Wafers, and Wine Distributors are suing the state of Michigan on behalf of the Christain Coalition of Casuistry. Our field reporter, Joe Barron will be staked out at various sites monitoring them for coughs to report to the White House Minister of Health and Public Safety, Jared Kushner.