AG Barr to Indict Final Kennedy Assassination Suspect

During the 2016 Republican Primary season, Candidate Donald Trump accused Ted Cruz‘s father of some kind of involvement in the John F. Kennedy assassination in 1963.  Now, with a lap dog for an attorney general, it is imminent that Mr. Cruz will soon be indicted on a capital murder charge.

Rafael Bienvenido Cruz y Díaz was a big supporter of Fidel Castro and even went to see some Baltimore Orioles games when he saw on the internet that the Orioles would play in his native land some 60 years later.  Cruz became disillusioned with the United States’ way of life, longing for a communist dictatorship like his beloved Castro had going in Cuba.

The Bay of Pigs incident weighed heavily on Mr. Cruz, where Barr says he met up with Lee Harvey Oswald over some frosty chocolate milkshakes at the Dallas In-N-Out Burger near Dealey Plaza.  The duo considered it to be great luck when Kennedy’s motorcade was scheduled to go through there and the rest is sad history.

Conspiracy whack job Sandy Batt explained Cruz’s involvement:

“Ted Cruz’s father? No way. No one believes that guy had anything to do with this. Not even me. Anyone that would bring up that guy’s name as having any involvement in the assassination of President Kennedy probably has to have someone change his diapers.  It’s that stupid of a theory. What kind of moron even came up with this and what kind of lap dog would prosecute over that moron’s delusional idea?”

The proceedings are expected to be private, as the case will be laughed out of every court until they find one that will also do whatever the President wants them to do, as it should be.