“Michael was a friend in hard times and helped solve problems hopefully law enforcement never learns about. He was a good friend for a long time before going rogue and telling Mueller all those lies. His untimely death is sad and, of course, completely unexpected.”

11 minutes after his death, The White House filed a motion with the US District Court to have his records and testimony to Mueller sealed as Executive Privilege. Mueller says he still has enough from recorded testimony to present Cohen as a credible witness who spent years illegally fixing Trump’s problems with infidelity and pizza with little pizzas on them. DOJ spokesman and lead investigator, Art Tubolls, says Trump’s Cohen connection is stronger than ever:

“Cohen gave us all we need. The fact that he was killed in prison by a man calling himself a “servant of the Lord and Trump” doesn’t help. No, we don’t believe the president directly hired this man, but we do believe he’s dumb enough to have considered it, which concerns almost as much.”

Tubolls says the investigation has switched largely from one of a criminal nature towards the President to one of incompetence and a lonely old, dementia-ridden man. Obviously, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about since Trump’s doctor has repeatedly called him a picture of good mental and physical health who should live to be at least 120.

Cohen’s family has asked for privacy and a fair investigation. They won’t get either. He was a traitor. Sorry. Maybe next time teach the family patriarch not to rat out his friends.

Now, as the investigation is set to turn from the Trump witch hunt to some actual facts, the Clinton Foundation and its ties to George Soros and the Communist Bloc will be at the forefront of the news. Everyone will want to know why The Clintons worked with Canada to get fresh lobster and clams for the winter Olympics in Crimea while fishermen from Maine and New Hampshire went hungry, with only leftover lobsters and clams they couldn’t sell to eat.

The Clintons have been serving fresh seafood and sending young slaves of all shapes and sizes to Putin since the First Gulf War, which they started just to get their hands on the creamy-skinned virgins of the middle east. Since then, they’ve worked with criminals and tyrants from Edi Amin to Manuel Noriega.

Mueller granting them executive privilege means nothing they say in or near the White House, about the white house or in connection to the White House can ever be used against them. It’s the same law Mueller is using against Trump, since he doesn’t qualify under the same clause of the Declaration of Independence. Under that clause, Trump would have to have left office at least three terms ago.

Since that isn’t possible until 2062, Trump is subject to not only the Clinton privilege but to their testimony. Hillary Clinton can now tell the Mueller investigation whatever she wants and Rudy Giuliani is only allowed to ask her what her position was in the Clinton West Wing, otherwise, he violates her civil rights and she gets to sell a month of Sundays in the Lincoln Bedroom.

We’ll keep you updated on this…story?…as it develops.

Lead Investigative Marshal, Cpt Art Tubolls, says the hit was definitely pulled off by a pro:

“The judge let Flynn go today because he’s a patriot and he knows Flynn can’t clear the President from prison. Trump can’t pardon him. So, they died a horrible death on their boat at the hands of a psychotic mercenary. The Pentagon agrees that the hit was probably pulled off by former special forces using explosives and training provided by the Deep State.”

At this point, the FBI needs to start looking to what George Soros and Hillary Clinton knew and when they knew it. If Flynn stayed free and Trump was exonerated, Clinton’s plan to take the Oval Office using the Revertisment Clause of the 25th Amendment after he’s impeached would be dead where it sits. Now, with Flynn gone, the Mueller investigation will go on and Trump could face losing his office. All because of Hillary Clinton, again. Someone needs to lock her up.

“Penny had a hard tome after Shirley died. First Joannie, then Shirley? Mr. and Mrs. C were gone…Winkler was doing stupid shit and getting covered in bees…Penny sank pretty far pretty fast. Had it not been for her friendship with Trump, she may not have made it through.”

The concierge at Mar a Lago confirms that Penny Marshall was a guest there, without fee, for 357 days in 2011. Her daily regimen included walking, swimming, opiate sessions with Dr. Sanjay Gupta and a motorcycle ride weekly with Eric Trump, who denies their relationship was anything other than platonic.

Marshall has shown her gratitude in death by donating her entire estate to the Trump 2020 re-election campaign. Marshall never married or had children, and grew up in the New York orphanage near where Trump went to business school. The two were lifelong friends. It was an unlikely companionship that kept going, even after she realized he was being a little bit racist about those Central Park Five kids.

Penny once told a friend of someone who may or may not have worked at the Trump Foundation:

“He once told me I was too horse-face for him otherwise I’d smash that sexy thing. Marla would no chance. That new girlfriend, though…what’s her name?”

They couldn’t recall the rest of the conversation, when where or if it actually happened, meaning Trump can still run for Supreme Court someday. That was one of Penny Marshall’s dreams. Donald Trump on the Supreme Court of the United States. No. Seriously. Ask anyone. Big news in New York. The city can now use Penny’s money to rally behind her idol.

The plan was simple. Put Trump in the White House and while he’s being investigated, run behind his back, using his own team against him, and let the Clinton Foundation and Deep State run things while the people get all riled up. Then, in 202, Biden wins the Presidency and appoints Clinton and Obama to the Supreme Court.

By the end of 2021, had this plan worked, experts say the economy would have been in ruins and the American people and their paychecks would be at the mercy of communist Russia. Robert Mueller, who has been secretly fighting this battle undercover while publicly attacking Trump, has enough evidence to put Putin away for life, if he doesn’t flee prosecution from the World Court.

A spokesman for Mueller said he’s still going to take out Trump for “gross incompetence and negligent behavior, failure to fullfill his oath of office and blatant misues of executive privilege. Mueller is still, after all, a lifelong Democrat. The good news is, his panel on Trump has no real power. He should focus on taking down Putin and Clinton, though. For sure.

According to Mueller’s personal spokesman, Art Tubolls, the move had nothing to do with punishing Giuliani and everything to do with the rule of law:

“We were told to follow the law to the letter, and since Giuliani broke the law by not telling us what he knows, he went to the closest federal facility for processing and holding until he can appear before the grand Jury.”

President Trump hasn’t made a statement, but his past tweets and statements indicate that unlike others who have made deals, like Michael Cohen, friends who keep their traps shut and don’t flip will have it much easier come pardon time. Trump demands loyalty, and Giuliani delivered.

Giuliani will first stand in front of 43rd Federal Circuit Justice T Buford, where he will reportedly again take the 5th Amendment and “refuse to answer questions related to his executively privileged conversationals with the Potus Uno Operendi or his staff.” According to Tubolls, that language will not work with Justice Buford, since he’s pretty sure Giuliani just made it all up.

The original subpoena was to ask Giuliani about an unrelated matter related to the Bush administration, but when he saw Federal Agents at his house, he screamed “I know everything and I’ll never flip! Trump will take this country to new heights!” According to Tubolls, “Bob was gonna sit down and talk about hitting up Dick Cheney once he was done with this whole trump-Russia thing. Rudy kinda freaked out and did this to himself.”

The White House is expected to fire Giuliani for getting caught within the hour.

“President Trump has decided to go with a mix of doing his own briefings and not doing them at all. Each day at 3 PM, the President will read the previous day’s articles in the ‘news’ and decide which outlets will be allowed to join Fox, Breitbart and The Right Wing Nationalist Army Tribune for that day’s session. The briefing will be delivered either by Trump himself or One of his kids.

As for the bulk of what’s happening in the White House, you can tune into the President’s Twitter feed, where the truth about the witch hunt is exposed daily. No collusion.”

Leaving the Press Secretary job open also gives President Trump the opportunity to bring Donald Junior into the West Wing officially, shielding him from criminal prosecution under Executive Privilege. He doesn’ have to be appointed or confirmed to the job, just an employee. The maximum number of Trump administration employees was established by the federal guidelines of the “maximum occupancy” sign placed in the Mural Room by the local Fire Marshall.

So while we’ll miss Sarah Huckleberry Sanders to bits, we’re happy that we may get to see President Trump more often — or maybe even the stunning Ivanka. Under the new rule, even Barron or Melania could deliver a briefing, though Tifanny was specifically excluded as “the other one’s kid.” Rumors that Trump never shattered the image of those Chef Boyardee cans filling his cupboards at Maples Manor have strained the relationship with his other daughter, costing her the ability to have any kind of security clearance.

We look forward to the transition in 2019. It should be fun!

Kaepernick was arrested at the home of Marvin “Big G” Kirkpatrick after a neighbor called in a tip about “loud music and possible drug activity.” Police responded at 8:67 PM according to the Las Vegas Reporter. When they knocked at the door, someone inside was heard yelling “Oh **** it’s the cops! Hide the drugs!”

This gave police probable cause to enter, and enter they did! In total, six people were arrested, including Colin Kaepernick, who was trying to slip out the back door when an officer “intercepted” him.

Police found “more than $189,000 worth of drugs.” This included crack cocaine, heroin, marijuana, more than 1,000 tablets of the prescription painkiller Balsaq, and “the ingredients to make bloogies,” a dangerous new designer drug.

Kaepernick had crack cocaine “on his person” according to the report, and faces more than two years in federal prison.

This explains a lot about Kaepernick’s erratic behavior — and the thought processes liberals go through. It’s hard to use logic and reason when your brain is constantly addled by drugs.

We’ve all seen pictures of what experts say Jesus looks like. He is described in the Bible as having “fair white skin like porcelain.” And we’ve also seen pictures of Santa Claus with his white skin. But according to Reid, these societally-accepted depictions of both historical figures are wrong. Because she says so.

“I have a message for all the kids out there,” Reid told her audience. “Santa and Jesus are black.” She then showed a photo of a black mall Santa and a photo of “Black Jesus” from the Adult Swim TV show, which was meant to be a satire.

If you thought it ended there, you’re wrong. She later told “the kids” that “Jesus was a nice guy, but he wasn’t God.” She added: “Allah is the one true God.”

A spokesman for MSNBC told Fox News that “Ms. Reid is allowed per her contract to express her own views and we aren’t going to stop her.”

“Besides, there is strong evidence that both Santa and Jesus are black,” the spokesman continued. “And Allah simply means ‘God’ anyway. Arab Christians also call him Allah.”

According to resident MSNBC Muslamic Fallah Himbob Sandhu-Allahu, the “idea that Santa and Jesus are white is silly.”

“The Quran references Jesus as being “as black as a lump of coal” in the Book of Abdu, chapter 231 verse 27. It also references the man Christians would call Saint Nicholas as an “olive-skinned perverted toucher of children” and a “deceiver.” Neither of these men are as Christians represent them.

Currently, Christians are boycotting Reid’s show.

A total of 23 parents — that’s 61.4 percent of kids who were supposed to be in the show — have been forced to furiously pull their precious young ones out of the pageant after learning that it was just a stunt to push the Muslamic faith on them.

“My daughter is a Christian because I tell her to be and I’ll be damned if she’s going to participate in this religious propaganda,” parent Betsy Carbunkle told the Dearborn Gazette. “She’ll be singing about Jesus in church instead. Our pastor won’t force other religions on her.”

Children who were slated to participate — including numerous children from area Christian schools — didn’t learn songs like “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” and “The First Noel.” Instead, they learned Muslamic “holiday songs” like Aisha, Queen of Beauty and Grace and “Mohammad Rock.”

Many parents like Carbunkle are furious. “My daughter didn’t sign up for this,” says the mother of an 8-year-old girl. “She was supposed to sing about Jesus, not Mohammad.”

The City Council, which is comprised of six Muslims and a Jew and zero Christians, says they tried to build an “all-inclusive holiday show that represents the community.” Dearborn is 83.7 percent Muslim according to the last city census in 2016. That number has likely grown since then. “We don’t feel it is unreasonable for the holiday pageant to adequately represent the community.”

But parents aren’t buying it. “This is indoctrination,” says parent Richard Gorge. “It’s not like they were singing traditional Christmas songs. Most of these tunes like “Mohammad, Mohammad, Mohammad” we’ve never heard of.

Parents say they plan to sue the city.