Nancy Pelosi Indicted for Shredding State of the Union Speech

You're going to jail, Nancy.

Earlier this year, President Donald Trump delivered an oratorical masterpiece — the State of the Union Address.¬†¬†Then, when it was over, Speaker Pelosi did the unthinkable — she ripped her copy of the document to shreds, right there in front of God and Congress and the janitor who couldn’t wait to clean up so he could go home already.

And now, she will pay the price for breaking the law. Pelosi has just been indicted for violating United States Code 666 Regarding the Protection of Really Important Papers. The penalty for such a brazen act? Five years in the slammer. The law, which may or may not actually exist, reads:

“Anyone who defaces, mutilates, shreds, harms, doodles on, makes origami penguins out of, or otherwise alters any official government document is an un-American communist who shall serve no fewer than five years in prison.”

Attorney General Barr delivered the indictment to Pelosi himself. He raced across Washington, DC, astride his brand-new Rascal scooter to the Speaker’s office and rammed the front tire of his little trike into the office door until an aide let him in. The aide, Sandy Batt, said that Barr huffed and puffed as he dragged his lardy carcass out of the scooter, stomped into Pelosi’s office, dropped the indictment on her desk, and exclaimed, “You’ll pay for that little paper-tearing stunt!” Then he asked for a glass of water and a cool cloth to wipe the moistness off his doughy face.

Renowned Constitutional scholar and legal expert Joe Barron said he has no doubt the case against Pelosi is air-tight. “While she didn’t doodle on the speech or make an origami penguin out of it, she most definitely did shred it. The law is clear. I’m not sure why AG Barr waited a few months to indict her, but now that it’s done, she’ll have to await her trial in the DC Women’s Jail.”

Justice will be served.

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