Oprah Buys Dollywood: ‘We’re Building Housing’ for Illegals

Oprah Winfrey announced that she has reached an acquisition deal with Dollywood’s real estate broker. Plans include demolishing much of the park to make way for housing projects that will shelter illegal immigrants.

Senior Correspondent Art Tubolls caught up with Oprah at the Deed Office, where she told us the following:

“We decided to build a large housing project to provide homes for these people. We’re in America and these people deserve better than cages. The apartments will be rent-free, allowing immigrants to live a better lifestyle on their welfare checks.

This park is the perfect property for a large housing project. All of the infrastructure and utilities necessary to serve a large attraction like Dollywood are the same we’ll need for our housing projects. The old park has already missed out on half a season, so we were able to get all of it at fire-sale prices.

That makes it less expensive for us to buy the park and bulldoze the attractions than it would be to start from scratch, then have utilities and everything installed on vacant property. We do plan to keep the Tender-Age Attractions, though. They are a far better place for kids to spend the day than those Tender-Age Cages.

Joe Barron, our Project Manager, thinks we can get these projects built faster than they built the mall at Opryland. Keeping the Tender-Age Attractions was Joe’s idea. We’re lucky to have good talent like Joe on our team.”

Current park employees are encouraged to apply for jobs with us. We’ll have openings for housekeepers, laundry staff, food service and landscaping, so it should be a good fit for most of them.”

All of OUR childhood memories will be wiped away. All of OUR culture. Where will we take OUR kids in the summer?