Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell was in guarded condition tonight after getting into a violent altercation with a visibly intoxicated Nancy Pelosi late this afternoon and suffering a rotary fracture of his humerus bone.
The incident occurred at Cafe Rene, a picturesque French Bistro on M Street in downtown Washington, DC. Proprietor Rene Artois, a French immigrant from Nouvion, explained that the fight began over, of all things, a roll of toilet paper in the bistro’s unisex bathroom:
“Here I was having a nice glass of wine with my onion soup, when I heard a commotion coming from the toilet. The next thing I know there was a loud bang and Nancy Pelosi stumbled out of the bathroom with our last roll of toilet paper!”
Officer Crabtree of the DC Metro Police, himself a French immigrant – albeit one with a speech impediment – described the situation as surreal:
“Siniter McCoonell vaz in ze birthroom minding his own boozeness, when in valks Pilloosi and fights him for ze toolet pooper. Just because zere is a shittage of toolet pooper in ze supermookets does not mean she can interrupt Siniter McCoonell’s private boozeness.”
Pelosi spokesman Art Tubolls defended the Speaker:
“Senator McConnell never had much of a humerus bone anyway, so it’s no big deal. He will be fine. Apparently the fracture occurred when Speaker Pelosi wrestled the toilet paper out of his hands just as he was about to wipe. Had he been more willing to share, like a democratic socialist, this would have never happened in the first place.”
McConnell spokeswoman Sandy Batt disagrees:
“We will make sure that Nancy Pelosi is prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. This will not stand. Someone has to hold her accountable.”
And there you have it. Drunken Nancy strikes again.