Mike Pence to Withdraw from 2020 Campaign

In a surprising announcement, Vice President Mike Pence admitted this morning that he has developed a severe problem with alcohol and will enter rehab, while simultaneously withdrawing from the 2020 campaign.

The official statement from the Office of the Vice President reads as follows:

“The past three years have been tough on Vice President Pence. Working alongside President Trump has not made things easy on him. He has been forced to work with Nancy Pelosi more and more, as it is well known that she and Trump do not get along.

In fact, they can’t stand each other. So the onus has fallen on Mike Pence. Unfortunately for Vice President Pence, Nancy Pelosi would always bring at least two bottles of alcohol to their meetings. Over time, this led from having a quick one to extended alcohol binges to ultimately full blown alcoholism.”

Reached by phone, Pence spokesperson Joe Barron elaborated:

“The vice president is at the end of his rope and will be entering alcohol conversion therapy at the end of the week. While he will continue to perform his duties to the best of his ability from the rehab facility, he has decided that it is in the best interest of Mother and the rest of his family to officially withdraw from the 2020 campaign and have someone else deal with Nancy Pelosi.”

Pelosi spokesman Jack Daniels denied that she had anything to do with it:

“Unlike Nancy Pelosi, Mike Pence simply cannot handle his alcohol. He is one of those guys that is good for a few drinks, but anything more than five and he gets all touchy feely and starts whining about how Mother hates him. This is a problem of his, not Nancy Pelosi’s making.”

This is indeed a shocker. The race is now on to find a replacement for Mike Pence.