Pope Says American Christians “Unworthy of Jesus”

In his Easter address today, Pope Francis fiercely criticized American Christianity, in particular singling out evangelicals, for their blatant hypocrisy in regards to the teachings of Jesus Christ. Arguably one of the most outspoken popes in history, Pope Francis did not mince words:

“Americans have strayed from the teachings of Jesus Christ. Instead of loving their neighbor as they would love themselves and providing aid and comfort to those in need, they are cherry picking passages from the bible to justify their hatred and disdain for those they disagree with or those who have a different skin color. Indeed, most followers of Islam adhere more to the teachings of Christ than American Christians, and are therefore justifiably more worthy of His love.”

Reached at his home, leading evangelical minister Jerry Fallwell Jr. refuted the pope’s allegations:

“White American Jesus loves Americans, but only Republican Americans, not those commie Demonrat heathans. The United States of America is a Christian country, not a country of brown people or Muslims. If that wasn’t the case, why would God have appointed Donald Trump president? The pope needs to learn how to speak in tongues, not use his tongue in that awful foreign language of his to malign our faith in the American Jesus that has served our agenda so well ever since the Reagan revolution.”

Joe Barron, spokesman for renowned prosperity preacher Joel Osteen was equally defensive:

“America is a free country. We are free to prosper and rip off any people we like, especially senior citizens who don’t know any better. It’s the American way. If Jesus is the path to riches, so be it. It’s not our fault that people are so gullible.”

While this article is certainly satire, there are more than a few kernels of truth to it. Don’t hate. Love thy neighbor. Help those in need. Practice what Jesus preached, not what some shyster with a fancy robe and a multi-million dollar church tells you to do. So reward yourself and click on the image below for a delicious papal cake recipe!